Social anxiety
Today’s topic will be about social anxiety. My social anxiety beats on some days the living shit out of me. Other days it’s pretty manageable. Can’t explain to myself how other people are experiencing this world without it. And what even triggers me more is that I never can say if it’s going to be a good ‚normal‘ day or a really stressful one. Simply talking and speaking to people how they feel like it. But then I see and hear people oversharing every thought they have and I wonder why they can’t shut the fuck up. Then I feel happy to be myself that I don’t overshare every thought I have.
I think I’m really cooked to be honest. Dealing with people which I don’t know very well on a regular basis stresses me a lot. Currently I try to force myself to deal more with people so that my anxiety becomes less obnoxious but I’m not sure if I really make any progress. I’m very often envious at people which have the best time talking with other people and just enjoying the presence of others. I think I really do have a kind of small social battery. Most of the time I only feel comfortable around my family I would say. To be honest that could be a symptom of meeting very strange people in the whole South Tyrol where I’m living. I met a lot of homeless people, junkies, and in general stupid and not very friendly people. That makes you look different on ‚normal‘ people I would think.
Substance abuse
When I’m high as the sky on illegal substances and/or medication I get a god like feeling that the universe belongs to me and I’m the emperor of it. Then I feel comfortable as a person can be but only for a short period when I’m feeling the effects of the substance.
Sometimes I really do wonder if this/my life is worth it or if I should become a legend like Kurt Cobain, Lil Peep, XXXTentacion or Juice WRLD. Just living in the moment on substance abuse and call it a day after a year or so with a final substance overdose.
Here some facts about my favorite musicians death:
Kurt Cobain: Heroin overdose & headshot with shotgun
Lil Peep: Laced Xanax with Fentanyl poisoning
Juice WRLD: Oxycodone and codeine toxicity -> seizure
XXXTentacion: Was shot by his opps
They all lived the ‚perfect‘ live in my opinion. They died young, had a lot of money and were pretty addicted to all of the substances which exist on this planet earth. But instead of going through withdrawal they simply died mostly because of the abuse.
To be honest I think I have the ugly side of substance abuse already behind myself but on some days the demons wake me up and dare me to visit them again. Just 1 pill, one more line, one more hit. Most of the days I’m glad that I don’t do any substances at the moment and therefore don’t experience heavy withdrawal but I’m not really sure if this is the path I should be following. (Even though the $uicideboy$ manage it now to get their shit together and stay away from all the substances)
The substance demons call me often at day and also at night time. Currently I don’t know what substance of choice I would be abusing if I could choose from all of the choices there exist.
The problem I already experienced with this method of the medication or substance abuse, life is so wonderful and I have no desire to die or to stop taking the substance. When the substance abuse ends because of high tolerance or other reasons everything is so bad that one would like to jump off a cliff/bridge. But to do exactly that you need that one special push/depression which is easier to get on a substance, which then you feel happy and normal again and so you don’t want to kill yourself.
The substance or medication of choice must be selected very cautious. The longest time I survived with a substance abuse was with the medication Alprazolam or Xanax called.
On that medication it’s not possible to feel any anxiety or having bad thoughts and everything works out as smooth as it can. The girl of your dreams doesn’t like you? Ehh, who cares, next girl is around the corner. You lost all your life savings on stocks and/or on gambling? Whatever, who cares, you’re smart and you gonna make a lot of money anyways.
That was me for 1-2 years on the medication Xanax, which I had to prescribe myself. The doctors prescribe it only to you for 1-2 weeks because it makes you addicted like alcohol or similar substances and your tolerance goes up and you need more and more to feel the same effect.
However I thought it is a smart choice to be a doctor myself and fake prescriptions to get the medication on a regular basis. I was addicted to Xanax for a long time and it was the best time in my life. You function enough to go to work and do what you want to do in life but on the other hand when you stop taking the medication it simply crushes your soul, thoughts and your whole brain. Xanax withdrawal is very dangerous. Don’t really remember how I survived it but I did survive it. Never had a seizure which can be fatal if no-one is around you to help you out. It was heaven and hell on earth at the same time.
Recap
To be honest I do remember how the abuse stopped. I was on a really long spree of Xanax abuse and saw no way of coming clean. I’ve decided to call it an end and do a final overdose. I got myself over 100 pills of so called ‚beta blockers‘. I’ve read on wikipedia that to the times of the DDR in Germany many people killed themself with the help of beta blockers. Some research on google showed me that a dosage of 60 pills should be enough for my body weight to cause a life threatening situation. I’ve decided to go secure and take almost double the recommended amount of pills, mixed with benzodiazepines and more pills I’ve had lying around.
I’ve started my suicide mission around 12:00 AM on a Sunday. In the timeframe of about 5 hour’s I’ve managed to swallow more than 100 pills of beta blockers mixed with Alprazolam/Lorazepam pills and whatever else I’ve had left in my self organized pharmacy. I’m not sure if I mixed them with alcohol but I wouldn’t bet on it but it would seem like something I would have tried as well to get the maximum of toxicity together. At 05:00 I’ve called it a night and was ready to finally die and tried to get myself from my office chair into my bed. That was harder than expected. I was so much in trance and not myself anymore when I tried to get into my bed. I rolled my chair right near my bed as near as I could, so I could get into the bed because I wasn’t able to walk or stand anymore. But because I took so many pills I fell from my chair onto my floor.
That was such a loud bang because I couldn’t move well anymore, that my parents were woken up even though they slept on the ground floor of our house and I was on the second floor. They then went into my room and saw me and knew something wasn’t right and that they had to call the ambulance.
I almost lost it when the ambulance arrived. I was ready to die and suddenly 4-5 people where in my room and tried to talk to me. I wanted to be left alone and all these people were making a lot of rumor and annoyed me. When they almost got me into the ambulance car I got angry with one of the paramedics and tried to hit him in the face. He warned me if I try again they would call the local military police called ‚Carabineri‘ to get me under control. Then I had enough and I got quiet. 4-5 people were enough for me and I wouldn’t want to deal with local police as well.
Long story short:
They kept me in the psych ward forcefully for 2 weeks and tried to treat me so that I don’t kill myself right the second I’m out of that institution. That was a funny time in the psych ward. I met some nice people but on the other side being locked into an institution for 2 weeks straight without going outside into fresh air was brutal for me. Time went by very slowly and I was bored most of the time. After the two weeks of ‚vacation‘ when I was finally let free I thought of killing myself right again. I drove with my car through the night and was lost. I ended up 50-60 km far away from home and thought of trying to kill myself again by driving of a hill or something with my car, but I was too scared that if it wouldn’t work again I would meet myself right again in the psych ward and that scared me enough to not try again. The next suicide plan should be even more bullet proof than the already committed one and so I let things be. And to this day I only thought of how I could kill myself again but had no more attempts. I’m not sure if I won’t try again because life is annoying at the moment but we will see.
To commit suicide is for me not necessarily a thing of depression or a bad life. Neither that I hate all the people that are near me. I think to me it is a spiritually awakening to become free and be ‚high‘ all the time. Because I don’t believe in a final end where nothing happens. Energy doesn’t die. It just moves. Into another dimension or whatever location. Maybe also to get reborn is an option in my current believes.
Lesson learned?
Would I be stupid enough to do all of it again? Probably, but would I benefit from it in the long run? I don’t think so. Now the question I’ve got to ask myself is: Do I want to live the long, ‚good‘, and sober life? Or do I want to trash everything I worked so hard and enjoy some brief moments in total happiness again? :-)
I’m not sure if there is a way in the middle, because when I do something I do it or I don’t. I abuse all the substances at the same time or I don’t to them at all.
I think I’m sober now for almost a whole year. I don’t go out, visit the gym 4x a week and try to stay away from trouble. But is all this really worth it? I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll have to talk again with the demons and ask them for a ceasefire.
To wrap it up, drugs and/or medication are a dangerous choice which I decided to pursue. Now it’s a bit late to regret some decisions I’ve made but I play my dealt cards in life the best way I can.
Closing words/thoughts
To say the truth I don’t think my life is absolutely bad. But I would say it’s more exiting but also more stressing than the 0815 persons life. People react to me often in a very strange way which makes me often very uncomfortable. Some people think their words/thoughts are so important that everyone must hear them. Normally I always keep to myself when overhearing someone speaking about me in bad not appropriate way. But I also wonder often if I should react to them and make them feel as uncomfortable as possible. To lose my shit. Lose my cool as Lil Peep would say it. Currently I never did that to anyone because I often think I’m the more stable, normal person in that situation. And I also try to not enforce or activate ‚bad energy‘ in such a situation. Energy levels are important and I don’t want to be someone who is angry at everyone all the time.
Here a short example:
You see someone in a wheel chair. Would be the words you are choosing be the following to speak out loud to your colleague or friend:
„What to a lovely day to have LEGS and WALK around. I simply enjoy this day because I’m NOT IN A WHEELCHAIR.“
Some people I feel react to me like that way and that makes me feel angry and sad at the same time. I’m not in a wheelchair by the way but we have all our quirks and problems. Nice for you to be all ‚normal‘ but not everyone has that luck to live a great perfect life. So just shut the fuck up and let me be myself and you do your thing and don’t come near me.
Conclusion
I don’t know what the universe has in its sleeves for me but I’m sure whether I manage to solve all my problems or not I’ll be happy in the long run.
Feel free to leave behind a comment if you deal with problems yourself, especially with substance abuse or other things regarding life. I’m always happy happy to exchange some words with someone. :)
This is maybe a bit a sad/rough article but I really felt to release such one. I was thinking and writing on it for almost a week and wasn’t sure if I really want to publish it, but today I made the decision to simply do it. If I don’t like it in a month, a year whatever time I can take it offline if I desire to do that.
Keep your heads up,
Daniel from Italy